gowaitinthecar

remembering heavy moments. looking up at his broad neckline dark against a black sky. the waves crashing hard against the cold shoreline and the wind is at our backs. i walk past my old apartment, the one in the big green mansion- and I can still see the white cat in the window and hear the songs that played when i fell in love with you. it was around halloween and the leaves had already fallen. i had no idea i could look into a future and see you there in it for years, in sunlight and in darkness. i mix up all the memories and organize them by sadness- sadness for them being so far away..sadness for them being so far away but right outside my window. 

I feel so alone and far away from my loved ones in a very palpable way. i never know what i am thinking anymore. what drives my decision making. 

cold dark fall water 

went to my dads house for about a week and my mom came out to visit for part of that time. enjoyed spending the days with Emerist, being affectionate with and receiving affection from her- my longest and truest friend. i have the sensation of feeling like a stranger to myself at the moment. i see myself signing up to see people and do things and while all that is happening i am thinking up escape plans and imagining myself alone again. i look forward to it all ending and am sad and unsure of what to do when i have nothing on my schedule. feeling like i have all of these needs and never vocalizing them, atleast not in a way that explains them properly. i dont know. happy to be alone in my apartment but wondering where my friends are. i can do anything i want tomorrow. 

I live in Vermont again. Moved back here a few weeks ago into a cozy little apartment on a hill- you look out of the kitchen and living room windows to see downtown sitting underneath green mountains. It is my space and really feels like it. heavy with myself in the best way. i spend my days wandering to mountains and lakes. running with friends. feeling lost in mid day. walking at night with old lovers watching cars go by and street lights under dense skies full of stars. enjoying the outdoors up here…making some choices that could potentially hurt someone I love..being in love. with a bad old habit but in some ways not phased at all by it. not in the way I once was. the light comes and goes. the porch floor creaks. sitting atop the capital stairs in Montpelier last night.. all the night sounds coming out and the people fading away. I missed the windy roads here nestled next to layers of mountains and green pastures. vermont in the summer. watering holes cliffs water everywhere friends loves stars trees dirt. I lived in Albany for a year and met some incredible people…did incredible things with my body and like that I am back here. I feel good. Pockets of worry and dread but not unfamiliar. not drowning. my favorite thing it to submerge my whole self under cold clear water hidden among the trees in a forest or in a glacier lake. i can do this anytime I want now. 

have not written in some time. it is march here and my crazy chaotic nerve wracking month at school of meetings and paperwork deadlines. most of it is head based for me and i am hoping all will be fine but it weighs on me anyway.

running club here has been my go to and has helped me pass the time and get healthy. we run together a few times a week on average and i am training for a half marathon in burlington in april. my new friend sean is my friend and more at times but i want nothing serious or even a relationship just a good friend.

he visited me this weekend. friday night till this morning. i miss having him around…passing my days with him in and out of resting and moving. always touching and grooming and rubbing faces like the old days but less sexual all the time and more loving. sleep is always the best and our bodies are one and warm. coffees and lots of food…laughing and silence. the silence weighed on me at times but my mind always reads into things. the light tried streaming in the bedroom in the mornings while you were in the shower. walking downtown with you and a fierce wind. up all of the stairs. out in the park. down streets in saratoga and the ghost town of hudson. my favorite part of it all, always, is just coming home with you and sharing a bed, sharing sleep. we made it till march still wanting it and i hope it lasts till the summer when i plan on moving back. we will see. cannot imagine going beyond this year here due to the feeling of losing and missing.; you gave me flowers for the first time and folded my pajama pants. 

Empty cold streets in a place strange to us. Cannot tell if the people are real. I look at you with resentment sometimes, not the constant affection and warmth I once did. That little one bedroom in vermont is flying away so fast in the background now. The colors are dulling in the most delicate and sad way. Do you know all of this. I have the steady feeling of strain and pointlessness when I’m with you, once in a while that spark returns but then it abruptly disappears into reality. Sad to have all of the memories, to hold them.

I arrived at eleven on Friday and saw your little face for the first time in over a month. We drove in the dark and fell asleep in a hippie lodge with a purring cat between us. All was semi light, descended glowing light shrouded by tapestries of red and yellow. The doorway opened up to a forested terrace and in the quiet of the morning we heard those trees waking up and saw that light creeping in. We didn’t touch till morning. That perfectly slow and familiar morning routine of loving and planning for our day. Mimosas at breakfast and you’re face again across the table. All the little touching. We climbed through pines and beech trees to a glowing place. You were next to me and I felt your size and your vulnerability. I wish I shared more. The wind kicked up and the gray rolling clouds started gliding through faster. We left and began our night. Buzzing with energy and then stalling in strangeness. Your quiet lost and stubborn side came out among the darkness in the tRees. But we slept all night clutching each other and I spent all night missing you already- the feeling of you always slipping from my fingers. Morning came drenched in rain water and it was time to Go. Sad car rides with you saying my goodbyes. Always beautiful and tragic.

So lost!

Last night I dreamt I was holding your face in my hands.

I’ve been too busy and tired with work to stop and take it in but this morning I accidentally did and it all hit me again. I’m so incredibly sad here.

I feel out of my element in every possible way- environmentally, professionally, emotionally… All at once and I’m having to disguise it.

I’m so absorbed in this sadness that I cannot see or appreciate the sun, a new day, a potentially good news job. I don’t think ive ever been heartbroken before this. It is completely consuming. Tomorrow I start school and need to find a way to channel some positive energy…my despair is all over my face and body these  days.

Atleast have the decency to respect me enough to tell me that you need to move on.

Two weeks in Albany, two weeks out of VT. Sometimes it hits me at night, an intense feeling of being trapped and having made a huge mistake and missing my old life. I’ve been crying all summer. I miss the man I feel to be the love of my life. My friends. My cat. And it just can’t be the same, no matter how I try to spin it. Three and a half hours is capable of doing a lot of damage to friendships, relationships.

I walk through the breezy dismantled plaza at dusk and feel strong but so heartbroken. I’ve never experienced this before, this kind of emotional fragility and distance. 

I want you to be happy and feel good, feel fulfilled. I am just so incredibly sad that I will not be apart of your life anymore. Only from a strange, sad distance which will most likely grow stranger and further away.

All I can do is focus diligently and passionately on work, take my lonely walks, find ways to connect and maybe laugh. I hope I reach a point where I feel more grounded but it pains me to think that may mean accepting certain things are over.